So as I teased in the end of my introduction – I did not meet my first dabble into the dating world on a dating app. Actually scrap that – no dates were involved in this…Although not sure what I would call it – a sexual encounter, flirtation, rendezvous…all of the above?!
I met Chris* when I was temporarily staying at my best friend’s house as a kind of end of relationship refugee camp. The country I was escaping was a one bedroom flat with my boyfriend who I had broken up with and who was slowly draining the life out of me. I had a house share lined up but could not possibly cope with living with his miserable face any longer so my wonderful friend offered me their spare room. Now this is real love. Not only did her and her husband take me in when I was quite frankly a miserable cow – they also took me in when she was 8 months pregnant, with a 3 year old toddler and whilst their house was having an extension built on it.
Cut to the chase…the builders. I didn’t notice any of them in my heart broken haze…until I did. My friend Nora and her husband Shaun had gone away with their little girl Seren for the weekend so I had the place to myself. Or so I thought! It was a bank holiday and Nora let me know that the builders may pop in. Pop in they did….! Two of the labourers arrived in the morning and that day it was a very warm 28 degrees – which of course in the UK means men take their tops off. And Chris realllllly took his top off. I nearly choked on my brew it was like the Diet Coke advert. This is when I knew I was getting over my ex. All sorts of things stirred in me and I think some of them are commonly know as fanny flutters (Maura, Love Island, 2019). So I did what anyone else would do whilst in their Pj’s, no bra, no make up and hair scragged up in a bun. I sauntered out with a twister lolly ice to cool him down…as you do**.
A couple of week of flirtation later and I was moving out. Chris was the perfect gent and helped load my car and that was that. Flirtation over. Except….2 days later I was home alone and 3 glasses of wine in I was adding him on insta like a bad stalker. The rest was history and before you knew it we were messaging back and forth and I couldn’t barely remember my ex’s name!
Now at this point I hadn’t worked out that I would like to start doing ‘it’*** like a dude… just knew I was fresh out of a shit relationship and didn’t want another. I certainly didn’t want to be searching for one. I did know this guy made me reach for my bullet**** more than I’d care to admit. So why the hell not?! Sick of being goody two shoes and ending up disappointed I decided to go with it…!
I won’t go in to too much detail as I want to respect Chris’s privacy (pahaha) but lets just say for a short guy (Maybe 5 foot 6 at a push?!) he had a bloody huge cock! I have never used the aubergine emoji so much following our sexual encounter (yes I‘ve gone with that).
He came back to mine after we had been out for a drink with a couple of others and I have to stay – the kissing was probably the best kiss I’ve ever had. In hindsight my friends and I have decided it may be because I finally went for a man nearer my height but I don’t know….such a good kisser. Obviously due to his measurements the sex was good. He’d spent the whole night pulling chairs out for me, holding doors open etc but let’s just say Chris was a lady on the streets and a freak in the bed…! The chair wasn’t the only pulling he did and I actually had to check if I still had hair in my head at one point. If I had to provide some constructive feedback I’d say he wasn’t as giving as he could have been and he should really carry his own Chris sized condoms around as I’m sure my normal sized ones were not quite enough (Fine on my ex though….hmmm!)
So I’d shagged!!! YES! At no point did I want to scream my exes name or even think of him. But what I did have to do after was remember that I had to stay detached. I have literally spent my whole life becoming immediately emotionally attached to anyone I shag. Not this time! I also figured out pretty quickly with Chris that he wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box and that he was from the roughest estate around. He’d actually been stabbed…! So I was under no illusions that we’d be anything more than that shag but I also knew I’m predisposed to becoming attached so I worked at not being that person….Until he text.
This was literally last night. Two weeks after the deed and he messages to ask what I’m up to… So I’d had a shit day. Worked at a funeral and then sat on the motorway for hours following a huge crash. I was tired and a bit vulnerable when he messaged asking if I fancied watching a film and chilling. (At mine as obvs he lives at his Dad’s..!) I’d also learnt last week that Chris was off travelling in a week or so – so I rationalised that one more night won’t harm anyways and I could do with a cuddle. So I said yes….blinded by the prospect of his big dick. Never having Netlfixed and chilled before I decided I needed a drink for courage and went and got a bottle of wine. Tidied my room ready for him coming over….and do you know what…
He didn’t fucking come.
Or message me.
What a twat.
The morale of this tale is. No matter how big his Dick is. He is still…just a dick. I got thrown for a few hours and associated comfort with him and having a man round. Well that’s ok because Chris has made me realise my mission and I’m back on track now. No matter how big a penis is it will not distract me!!!! My first actual date since I decided to date like a dude is tomorrow….I’ll be sure to update you on that 😉
*Chris – This is not his real name. Identities have been changed to protect my dates….Although I’m about to tell you he has a huge knob so I’m sure he wishes I’d put his full name, phone number and home address.
** For those disappointed by my misleading 90’s porno reference in the introduction – this is all I meant by that. It does actually sound like I’m setting up for a soft core porno VHS where after I give him the lolly ice he tells me where he’d like me to lick…I’ll stop now…(I hadn’t had sex for quite some time at this point so forgive the over imagination).
***It being men, sex, dating. Probably should have clarified that earlier with this being the title.
****A sex toy….not a gun.